my gift to the world

Last week I had the incredible privilege of attending a 3 day conference/retreat. It was an awesome experience and I feel so lucky that not only was my current employer willing to send me (without having to take personal time), but my former employer (the host of the conference) paid for the conference AND paid me to attend. But, money was not really my main motivator. I went because after reading the brochure, I knew I NEEDED to go. My job now is very stressful and it would be so easy to get burnt out and forget why I started doing what I'm doing. Well, the conference delivered in a big way and I let KNOWING that I'm not only in the right field, but that I'm deeply interested in figuring out how to continue some sort of part time work after this baby is born.

But, that's not really what this post is about. Twice each day at the conference we were asked to come sit in a giant circle and share a little about ourselves. On the second day, we were instructed to bring in a token that represents our gift to the world. I felt very overwhelmed by this task at first as I don't feel like I've given a whole lot to this world. I mean, I'm just one person in one small area of the country. I try to do good each and every day, but I know that I'm not making global impact with my work. And then it occurred to me, there is something little I can each day that makes a big difference for this world and just so happens to tie in nicely to what I do on a daily basis. So, this is what I brought in to symbolize my gift to the world:

I may not be able to impact the whole world, but I can certainly impact my little corner of it. I explained to the group that my gift to the world is being a good, kind, and patient mama. My gift to the world is being someone my children can look up to, someone who takes care of the ill and suffering, and offers a lending hand to those who need it most. The way I can impact the world the most is just by raising my kids to be good, kind, caring people who try their best. And in order to teach them those skills, I need to model that kind of behavior. My biggest struggle with where we currently live is that all too often I see parents who treat their kids as if they are the world's biggest inconvenience. I see parents hit and scream and belittle their children. I see parents who are not invested in how their children are doing in school or how they can help them reach their full potential. I work with kids who have parents who are the very definition of selfish, putting their addictions and desires ahead of the well-being of their children. It makes my skin crawl. I can't make these parents change, but what I can do is make sure that I am intentional with how I treat my children. Make sure that I am intentional in how I discipline my children. Now, I'm not going to let Piper or her brother get away with naughty behavior, but I can teach them right and wrong without raising my hand or my voice (we use Love & Logic). I may not be able to change the people around me, but I can still make an impact by being cognizant of the impact I am making at home. And that is quite powerful.

I have been meaning to write this post since last Thursday when I had that experience at my conference, but it seems all the more important now considering everything that happened on Friday. I cannot end the grief for the families out there and I cannot make sense of the senselessness of what happened, but what I can do is love the child(ren) I have been given. I can do my best to be intentional about the time I have with them. And I can shower them with a million smooches just so they know that they are loved and treasured. I picked Piper up more times this weekend than I can count and gave her so many kisses that she started telling me, "Mommy, no." It's always felt important to me to let Piper know that she is a great treasure, but it seems a little extra important now.

What do you consider your gift to the world? How have you been feeling/coping the past few days?

still infertile

After I wrote my last post, I took some time to reflect on where I am on this infertility journey. I looked at the tickers at the top of my blog page and my heart both beams with excitement over how things worked out and, yet, still feels sadness for everyone out there who hasn't been as lucky.

I really wanted to have my babies 2 years or less apart and I can't believe that it's actually going to happen. Because this is a natural pregnancy, I find myself forgetting everything we went through already this year. We started back with our RE last December because we knew that we didn't have time to waste (both for spacing reasons and because of my less than stellar AMH results). We went through 2 IUIs and a full IVF. Heartbreaking BFNs. Then we took some time off and focused on getting healthier. We decided to go with CC.RM and flew out there in August, only to come back and get pregnant on our own!! We were looking at the budget busting, soul-crushing cycle cost of $16,000 and that's WITHOUT meds. When we got our BFP, I was more relieved over the fact that it meant we might actually be able to save money. (Because who knew that TTC meant forking over thousands of dollars).

Getting pregnant on our own, felt to me, like we had dodged a great big bullet. You see, MBL lost his job in May and I've been the sole income earner since then and I don't make a lot of money. And we own two homes (a house and a townhome). And, the reality is that IVF is expensive. So, even though we went to CC.RM and began discussing potential cycles and protocols, I knew in the back of my head that we might not be able to cycle again this year. And, in the way back of my head, I was slowly preparing myself for the fact that my children might be 3 or more years apart. With financial resources as tight as they are/were, I knew there was little chance that we would be able to afford the $16,000 price tag of a CC.RM cycle easily, especially when you factor in travel costs. And I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that the mere cost of TTC might keep me from being able to realize my dream and hope for my family that my children would be close in age. And even though we have the most precious one year old and I knew that no matter what we would one day have more children running around, coming to terms with the fact that IF was keeping me from what I wanted for my family was really difficult.

Then I got a line and another line and positive betas and good ultrasounds and, somehow, I've made it to nearly 17 weeks. 3 more weeks and I'll be halfway. 7 more weeks and we'll be at viability. 20 more weeks and I'll be full term. Tomorrow is December, which means that there are only 5 more months separating me from my due date. I'm still as nervous as ever that something might go wrong, especially because this seems like an easily won pregnancy, but I try to remind myself that the chance of anything going wrong at this point is 0.5%. I'll probably be scared until my ticker says 34 weeks. And then I'll hold off getting scared again until it's delivery time. That's what I've gotten from going through infertility and knowing how fragile everything is.

As a side note, despite the fact that I sometimes joke with my family that this is our "free" baby, it's really anything but. I calculated it one day and we've actually spent at least $18,000 on fertility treatments this year. The good news is that we're looking at a really nice refund check. The bad news is that after spending all that money, it's good old se.x that got me pregnant! HA!

What are your family building dreams? Do you have an idea of what ideal spacing would be for your family? Anybody else want to share their medical bill total for the year?

the big reveal!!

So, MBL and I had a very special Thanksgiving day because we got to find out what baby #2 is going to be! My family ended up "rescheduling" the Thanksgiving meal to Friday, so we decided having our ultrasound on Thursday would be perfect. It was actually quite a fun filled day: we ran a 5k, found out the gender, and spent the rest of the day at the zoo!

With Piper, MBL and my youngest sister found out the gender at the ultrasound and then kept it a secret from me until we were back at my parents' house. Once we got there, I cut into a cake with the right color inside and saw pink. Fast forward 2 years later and I decided it was MBL's turn to be surprised. Things were a little different this time around as I didn't have as much time or energy to think about how to reveal it to MBL, especially after we decided to meet the rest of the family at the zoo immediately after the appointment. I actually didn't realize my lack of a plan until the morning of the appointment--whoops! I gave MBL a few options and we decided that after the appointment we would stop and buy two different flavors of slurpees--one representing girl and the other representing boy. Once we got to the zoo, I would give him a drink of the correct one (with his eyes closed) and he would have to guess which slurpee it was. Sadly, the 711 we stopped at didn't have blue raspberry, so we picked orange for a boy and red for a girl.

Once the whole family was together at the zoo and my sister had my phone to take a video, I held up the correct slurpee to MBL's mouth and he took a drink. The only thing was he couldn't tell what flavor it was! HA! So, I let him taste it one more time and the result was...

Baby #2 is a boy!!! I'm not going to lie, I knew it was a boy all along. MBL comes from a long line of one of each and so it just seemed like we were destined to have a variety! The tech who did our scan says she's 99% sure it's a boy and that you only get to 100% when they come out. During the scan she even turned on the doppler over the umbilical cord to show me that what we were looking at was indeed boy part not the cord. We'll get confirmation in 2 weeks at my official anatomy scan, but there is pretty much no way this little boy is anything else!

We are SO excited to be adding a little boy to our family. My mom raised all daughters and, so far, my sister has all sons, so it's definitely going to be different being a mom raising BOTH genders, but I'm really looking forward to it. I think Piper will be a great big sister to a little brother and I really couldn't imagine it any other way!

When/if you were pregnant, did you have an inclination towards what you were having? Were you right? Did you experience any initial disappointment over what you were having? If you haven't been pregnant (yet), do you have a preference over what you would like to have?

what I don't believe about infertility

When you are struggling with infertility, you will come across a gamut of articles and posts and comments all about how people view infertility. Any article written about the advances of IVF or other reproductive procedures brings out the naysayers who all have something negative to say about those who suffer from IF. I have to be honest, I tend to sit and read each and every one of these negative comments. At times they made me cry or hurt my heart, but most of the time they made me so enraged I wanted to reach through the screen and shake the person writing that nonsense. Instead of doing that, I decided to write this post all about what I DON'T believe to be true about infertility.

For starters, I really struggle with the generalization that "everything happens for a reason". I totally disagree with that statement and, unfortunately, it's a favorite among those supporting their friends/family through IF. The statement seems perfectly harmless by itself, but when put in the context of IF, it can be really painful to hear. If everything happens for a reason, then that suggests that even infertility happens for a reason and that stillbirth happens for a reason and miscarriage happens for a reason. I think it's fine if after having gone through one of those circumstances yourself, you have come to that conclusion, but I think it's difficult for that statement to always be true. Every single parent I know who has gone through baby loss or stillbirth has said that they would do just about anything to have the baby back with them... Not a single one has said, "Well, everything happens for a reason." I think that senseless things happen and we won't always know why.

To piggyback on that, I also do NOT believe that infertility happens to those who deserve it. Going back to what I said about the comments on articles discussing IF/IVF/ART, those articles ALWAYS have commenters arguing that infertility is God's way of controlling who carries on the population. Or, if they don't mention God, they say that it's nature's way of controlling the population. Ridiculous. I work as a school counselor, which means that inevitably I get to hear all the dirty secrets that families have and I don't mean that in a good way. The school in which I work has students living with grandparents because mom and dad are too strung out on drugs to take care of them. I meet with elementary aged kids (we're talking 5-7 year olds) who are allowed to stay up until midnight to watch scary movies. I currently have a middle school student who is FAILING every single one of his classes and mom refuses to return a single phone call. MBL and I took Piper to a pumpkin patch back in early October and I stood in horror as I listened to a mom beat the snot out of her 10 year old in the handicapped port-o-potty. The idea that fertility is granted to those who deserve it the most makes my blood BOIL. I have read too many blogs to know that the people who would make the most fantastic parents often have the hardest time reaching that goal and it's NOT because everything happens for a reason.

In light of the above two points, I also must add WHY I don't believe that infertility happens for a reason and what I DO believe. I don't believe that I was given infertility because I deserve it. I also don't believe that everything happens for a reason, even though I sit here with a 16 week, naturally achieved bubs in my belly after what has been one of the hardest years of my life. If I were to believe that everyone is given what they deserve, that means that I would also have to believe that children in orphanages who are mentally and/or physically handicapped and will spend their entire lives chained to beds deserve the life they are given.* Or that children born into poverty and drug abuse who will inevitably be neglected and/or abused deserve it. If I believe that infertility happens to everyone for a reason and that it's God's will for some people to have no children, it means that I also must believe that the child I heard beaten in the bathroom deserved it; that somehow it's okay for her to endure that because it's happening for a reason. I've seen too much hurt to know that bad things happen to amazing people and good things happen to the scum of the earth.

What I DO believe is that we can learn from the hard times. I know that because I did not get pregnant easily that I look at parenting in a totally different light. Even without IF, I would have been a good mom, I would have loved my children and been good to them, but I know I wouldn't look at them with the same wonder as I do now. And there have been other things that have happened in my life that were absolutely terrible and I have learned amazing lessons from them, but I don't believe that those things happened for me to learn a particular lesson, instead I believe that sometimes bad things happen because that's the way things are, but we can certainly learn from them. As cliche as it is, it's the simple fact that although we may not deserve the lemons we get, we can still take them and turn them into something sweet.

I know I've said a lot, but this has really been weighing on me. It's been weighing on me because of the job I have and the people I come into contact with on a daily basis. It's also been weighing on me simply because of the judgment I have felt. I know that we all must reach our own conclusions on why we are struggling with infertility or loss, but I just really felt compelled to share my thoughts on the matter. Please share in the comments your own thoughts/opinions.

*This is a fact and most of these children are in orphanages in Eastern Europe. It absolutely breaks my heart.

thankful-2012

If you're here from ICLW, welcome! I have information about our journey to parenthood and our experience with infertility up in the tabs at the top of the page. Basically, we are parents to a one year old after IVF #2 was a success and we are now pregnant with #2 "naturally" after going to CC.RM for our one day workup... It's been quite the adventure!

The past year has been a tough one. Really tough and, at times, I wasn't sure how I was going to keep going along. I couldn't imagine getting to the holidays and having everything be OK. But, miraculously, here we are and everything is better than ok, it's great! I have so much to be thankful for every day...

For one, I am thankful that my marriage has been forced to face ups and downs. I know that MBL and I are in a better, healthier, stronger place because of what we have gone through. I know that we are more grateful for the little things because of the big, hard things that have happened in our life. And while it would have been better all around if we hadn't had to face those big, ugly things, I am thankful that in doing so we have grown closer together.

Every day of my life I am thankful for the gift of parenthood. It was a hard journey getting to this point and I certainly would have loved an easier route, but the end result has been more than worth the pain of our journey getting to this point. Piper is at such a fun age and I just treasure seeing her grow and learn every day. Being her mommy is such a joy and a priviledge!

I am thankful for my family. Not just my little family of three, but my extended family of my parents, MBL's parents, and our siblings. I am thankful that Piper has cousins to grow up with. It's a gift to be surrounded by the people who love and care for you no matter what. And I am especially thankful that I am able to spend quality time with them. Today that included running a 5k and going to the zoo; a day full of great memories!

Finally, I am thankful for the baby in my belly. I am grateful that we have made it this far and that everything looks good. I am so thankful that I get to experience pregnancy again and that Piper gets to be a big sister. I feel very blessed for this amazing gift!

What are you most thankful for today? What are you most thankful for during the every day? How did you spend your Thanksgiving?

traditions

This post is a part of the PAIL monthly theme post. To read more about it, please click here.

The timing of this theme could not be more perfect--with the holidays right around the corner, traditions seem to be at the forefront of my mind. Being a parent is such a huge responsibility, and I definitely feel pressured to make good, lasting traditions for our growing family. I want to be diligent about planning out the holidays and making sure that our time together is spent meaningfully. And not because I want to be a perfect mom or the best mom or a Pin.terest worthy mom, I want to have good traditions because it's something I want to be able to give my children.

One tradition I want to have is to make birthdays a big deal. I was so sad when I met MBL because he couldn't remember how he spent his 30th birthday. I thought that was such a shame, birthdays should be special. Birthdays are the one day we get each year to feel really, truly special and celebrated. Plus, I love a good reason to eat cake, give presents, and have a party. My parents always did a great job of making each of us feel extra special on our birthdays. They didn't go crazy and buy us a million presents, but they made sure we were celebrated. We always got to pick the restaurant for dinner and my mom made us our favorite cake. And they always did a thoughtful job of picking out our big gift. I want to make sure that for my kids their birthday is always celebrated in a way that they will remember and treasure forever.

Another tradition I will continue is to have my children attend our big family Christmas party. My dad's family has been having a Christmas Eve party since the 1940's and I've attended every year I've been alive. I told MBL when we got married that I'm willing to compromise on a lot of things, but not on where we are spending Christmas Eve. It's really important to me that my children maintain relationships with their extended family and get the joy of experiencing a big, special, long standing Christmas tradition.

Along with the Christmas party tradition, another tradition I would like to start with my children will be the idea of giving to those less fortunate. I told MBL that every Christmas, I would like our kids to use some of their own money to buy a present for a child who doesn't have as much as they do. MBL thinks it's kind of mean to make them use their own money, but I think it teaches a valuable lesson about sacrificing for others, especially since my kids are likely to have everything they need. I probably won't start this tradition until the kids are a bit older and have a better grasp on giving/sharing.

When it comes to other holidays, the tradition I care about the most is just stressing the importance of being together. Family is so important and the memories that I build with my kids will be something they have with them forever. Things won't always go perfectly and every day life is bound to be full of ups and downs, but holidays and birthdays and special occasions are a chance for us to get together and celebrate the gift that is family. I know that sounds super cheesy, but as someone who fought like heck to have the family I have, I'm going to do everything I can to treasure the special moments that I have with them.

What are some traditions that are important to you? Are they new to your family or are they things your parents did with you?

different than before

First off, thank you everyone for your congratulations! I am still in shock that there is truly a baby in my belly, which is partially why it took me until I was 14 weeks to make the big announcement.

Basically, this pregnancy has been so different than my one with Piper. First off, there's the obvious, this was a "naturally" achieved pregnancy. We don't have any pictures of this baby as a wee little embryo... Only a picture of my positive OPK. There were no PIO shots for me and I basically had to beg and plead to just get my beta/progesterone drawn. There hasn't been any spotting (unlike the 6 weeks I had with Piper). I have even kept up running.

With Piper, when we got the "official" word that I was pregnant, I had a whole little surprise planned for MBL and it was amazing to see the surprise on his face. With this pregnancy, I took an internet cheapie test, saw a line, freaked out, took a FRER, and slid it under the door to MBL (who was in the other bathroom). Not quite as special as with Piper.

Now, there are some things that are the same... I've still been totally worried about this pregnancy; I spent the first 8 weeks waiting to start bleeding, waiting for the heartbeat to be gone from the ultrasound screen. I've also been battling nausea and have made friends with zo.fran yet again. I also have crazy cravings and can only think of one food that will satisfy me.

I have a whole lot of thoughts on "natural" or "spontaneous" pregnancy after infertility, but this will have to do for now. The short version is that it's about the same as I thought it would be, as in I'm still totally counting down to 24 weeks and cannot wait until May!