what I got from CC.RM

So, MBL and I went to CC.RM for preliminary testing and an IVF consult in August. We flew out there and had all sorts of blood tests run and left with orders for additional testing to be done at home. All in all we spent around $4,000 for just our one day of testing/consultation, but it seemed to be worth it. We were looking forward to working with them and getting more answers about our fertility struggles. We were also looking forward to getting pregnant again (hopefully!). The week we got back I went in for my HSG which came back all clear (much to my surprise, actually). Nine days after we got back, I got a positive OPK and just happened to be returning from a work trip in time to "be" with MBL.

9 days after that I ran 10 miles and moved across the state, convinced that I wasn't pregnant because I didn't feel any more tired or out of shape. The evening of the next day (or 10dpo), I got this:

And then I got this:

And over the next few days, I collected these:

And at 10 weeks we got this:

I am now 14 weeks pregnant with baby #2. Our "freebie" from one day of testing at CC.RM. We are shocked, thrilled, and oh so thankful.

(mostly) wordless wednesday

It's been a busy few days, but I am still trying to find the time to blog at least every two days. So, here are a few of my favorite things in pictures and a few words.

This show always makes me laugh! It took us a while to get on the fan bandwagon, but now we LOVE it!

MBL and I have been on a total popsicle kick. Fall is probably not the best season to be loving a cold dessert, but I find them totally irresistible (especially since you can get 12 for $1.99).

BOOTS! What's not to love about a shoe that helps keep your legs warm? I love to wear boots with leggings or tights.

One accessory that I love to wear with boots? A scarf! I swear, you can never have too many! And I love it when my accessories keep me warm!

And, finally, I am loving my space heater! I swear my office is kept at 60 degrees, so I absolutely need something to keep me warm during the day (other than my coat). I love that with it I can keep my office as warm as I like :).

What are you loving right now? Any other scarf or boot lovers out there? Do you tend to run hot or cold?

the start of something good

(not me)

Today was the start of something good. It's been working it's way to the surface for a while now, but we finally got solid evidence of the fact that things should start turning around soon. After literal months of dealing with negative thing after negative thing, today we got a bit of good news. MBL got a job. He received the official offer letter via email this afternoon. I was at a conference all day and, therefore, unable to talk with MBL over the phone. I knew he was set for a phone call with the head of the company, but I didn't hear anything from him. I ended up finding out about the job offer because I checked his email to see if he had sent a different email regarding another position. I almost burst into tears. Happy, happy tears. Thankfully, I was with my sister who could properly celebrate with me and give me a giant hug. I really, really needed that hug.

When I finally gained composure, I went back to the email and read through the offer letter. And, it was good. Really good. They are offering MBL a base salary that is right in line with what he had previously been making. On top of that, he will receive bonuses for each week he travels. And, he's required to travel 2 weeks a month. They are going to pay him for work they already expect him to do. So, actually, he will be making more than he was making before. I am in shock. I had accepted the fact that it was going to be years before he got back up to a salary with which we could afford for me to stay home either part time or full time. I had spent the weekend on the verge of tears over this. And, now? MBL will have this new job by the start of the new year. At this point, I feel totally comfortable getting through the next two months with just my income and me working full time. There's no longer this giant unknown out there. MBL can do this job from anywhere as long as he is close to an airport. There are limits on the amount of travel he will be expected to complete and they are going to reasonably compensate him for being away from his family, something his former employer had put off for over a year. Finally, this position will allow him to work into his dream position. They told him they would want 12-24 months of field work and then they will move him into the area where he has the greatest expertise.

I've just been spending a lot of time thinking about what it is I actually want out of this life and I just know that I want more time with Piper. She is at such a magical age. She's beginning to try and communicate in full, albeit incomprehensible, sentences and is learning so many new things. I truly hate being away from her. I want to be at home doing all the homemaker type things. I love playing with my girl, running errands, and making dinner. And, with this new job for MBL, I may actually be able to do the things I love again. I am just so, so thankful.

What are you thankful for today (it can be big or small)? Any new and exciting changes in your life?

**I want to add that I wouldn't normally talk so much about money/jobs, but I felt like I needed to include those benefits in order to express why I am so excited about this opportunity!

the tough stuff

Over the past 6 months, MBL and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. Not really a marital rough patch, but more of a life one. Without going into too much detail, MBL has really been struggling. He has never been great with seeking out healthy outlets for his feelings/frustrations and, unfortunately, that has led to him make some bad decisions. Now, I truly believe that this has been a life long struggle for MBL, but it has never been to this extreme before. During this time of reflection and recovery, one of the most important questions I have asked MBL is what precipitated all of this. Like I said his inability to cope healthily with stress/emotions has been lifelong, but clearly something shifted over the last year or two that caused him to really struggle. I never would have guessed his answer... He told me that he really started to struggle when we went through our first IVF. Wow. I really never knew that infertility was impacting him in such a deep and significant way. Sure, I knew that what we were going through was both personally and financially stressful, but I felt like I was taking on the brunt of that. I was, after all, the one receiving all the shots, getting my blood drawn, and having the vag-cam get far too comfortable with me. I just assumed that MBL had the easy role; all he had to do was accompany me to appointments and hold my hand. Oh, and provide a sample on the big day.

Looking back, I feel bad that I was so selfish about the whole thing. He's always been a good provider and a good supporter, I just assumed that he was okay with everything because of how well he supported me through it all. We went to see a therapist after our first IVF failed, but we ended up talking far more about other issues and the stress of TTC/IF/IVF kind of fell to the wayside. And all along it was still an underlying stressor for MBL. I know that I fell into a depression after our first IVF failed and I coped with eating too much and being cranky. I eventually pulled myself out of that funk and tried to get back into running and making healthy choices. I felt good when we went through IVF #2, both mentally and physically. I just never thought to check in with MBL to see if he felt the same because it just seemed like he did. And the reality was that he continued to let various issues pile on top of the stress of 21 months of infertility, $30,000 worth of medical bills, and, then, the anxiety/increased responsibility of expecting a new baby. And I guess he reached his breaking point.

To be completely honest, up until recently (as in the past 6-9 months), I really did not know that MBL was in such a bad place. I had no idea how deeply he was hurting. I've always been able to cope with hard times/stressful situations by turning to friends and family around me and by running. When faced with tough times, I try to buck up and make things better as soon as I can. Even if that means just the rush of endorphins from a good run. Now, MBL should have been verbalizing how he was feeling long before getting to rock bottom. We were seeing a counselor on a regular basis for over a year and none of this was ever brought up. I wish he would have just shared with me or someone else what was going on. How much he was struggling with everything. It's too bad that he didn't have his own version of the ALI/blogging community to turn to. I feel like I have support on every side and MBL doesn't have that. He hasn't built that for himself. So, now we're trying to do that. We're trying to build up MBL's support system and trying to build up our marriage so that he feels like/remembers to share what is going on in his head before it comes out in an ugly way. With all that's been going on and with all that we went through prior to this, I've been saying that something good better be coming our way... I'll have an update on what that is in the next week :).

How have you and your spouse dealt with infertility or any struggle? Do you draw closer together? Do you have any strategies or great resources you want to share?

Blogging for Blogging's sake

I have decided that this November I am going to do my darndest to participate in NaBloPoMo or National Blog Posting Month. It's basically a challenge to post every day during the month of November. I've seen other people participate and as I still feel like I'm in a blogging routine funk, I think it just may help pull me out of that! I am also going to participate in ICLW again this month as I really feel like it better connects me with the ALI community and I LOVE getting a chance to get to know new blogs/bloggers.

I like the start of a new month because I feel like it lets me start all over again. There's something refreshing about it being the 1st. And my goal for this month is to get back into blogging. I love connecting to other bloggers and I love having people connect with me through my words, so I'm doing this more because I want to rather than because I feel like I have to. Make sense? I'm hoping to post more about daily life as well as more about my thoughts on what it's like going through secondary infertility and TTC #2. And I will DEFINITELY be posting all about how I don't believe in the myth of fertility fairness. I meant to post about it during ICLW, but I failed at that miserably. It's a post that means a lot to me, so I WILL get it out there.

In the meantime, I've been thinking a lot about where we were a year ago... This time last year we were in NYC. MBL was there for work and Piper and I tagged along. I LOVE the city and I had a great time even with an infant in tow! It was the second time MBL had been sent there for work and the second time that I got a chance to waltz around the city. Visiting last year involved eating several Sprin.kles cupcakes, taking our time walking through Grand Central, and eating a very fancy, schmancy dinner out with MBL's coworkers (the restaurant hostess literally threw a fit when we brought our stroller in!). This year, NYC was in the midst of frankenstorm and, after 12 years, MBL no longer works for that company. It's funny how seeing NYC front and center day after day (due to the storm) made me reflect on all the feelings I have pent up from MBL losing/leaving his job. There is a lot of hurt from both MBL and I and I don't think we've even begun to fully process through why we feel the way we do. Or, how we can start to feel better. I'm sure it's how a lot of the storm "survivors" feel. Everything they know has changed. And that's a lot of how MBL and I feel. After 12 years working for and with the same people, everything MBL knew has changed. When he gets a new job it will be different. Our lives are remarkably different from where they were a year ago, just like NYC and the surrounding areas have changed from last year to this.

Change is hard. Oh so very hard. Especially when the rebuilding is just in its beginning steps. My biggest hope is that a year from now I will look back and think that I'd rather be exactly where I am rather than looking longingly back on the past. I'm optimistic that will be the case.

How did everyone fare in the storm? Any NYCers out there? Anybody else hate change or weathering the storms of life?

October ICLW

I signed up for ICLW this month, but then totally dropped off the face of the planet. We were at our other house (no, we're really not that fancy) this past weekend and we don't have internet there any more. For whatever reason, I assumed I would still be able to get online and read blogs/comment/update, but things didn't work out like that. So, here I am, 4 days into it and I'm just now getting around to updating and commenting. Better late than never, right :)? I figured I would go the easy route on this post and just do a little about myself, almost a get to know you combined with a bit of my bucket list. I'm hoping to get to know some of you better as well!

Here goes...

My name is Christine.
I just turned 27 on Sunday.
My husband I struggled through infertility for 21 months before IVF #2 gave us both a BFP and a take home baby.
Our daughter's name is Piper and she was born via csection in May 2011.
Naughty little girl was breech and that was the reason for the csection.
I constantly debate whether or not I want to try to VBAC #2.
On our journey to #2 we have done 2 IUIs and a full IVF.
We have also flown across the country to consult with CC.RM.
The only other blogs I read, other than IF blogs are about running.
I trained for my first half marathon this past summer.
Doing so helped me FINALLY lose the 15 pounds I had put on during our IF treatments.
I actually really enjoy running.
One day, I would like to run a marathon. Ok, that's a lie, I wouldn't like to, but I'm going to...
I subscribe to WAY too many magazines and the only ones I read on a regular basis are Red.book and Run.ner's World.
I am trying to get my hubby into running.
The first race I ever ran was a 25k (15.5 miles).
I think infertility sucks.
I think I enjoy running so much because I can just forget about everything and enjoy the endorphins.
I work as a school counselor.
My job shows me every day that fertility is not granted to those who deserve it most.
Seriously, you would not believe the stories I hear!
I hate that people misunderstand infertility and am doing my darndest to break down the myths!

That's a little bit about me, now tell me about you! What do you do for a living? What are your favorite hobbies? What kind of blogs do you read? Have any fun fall recipes you'd like to share :)?

what infertility has given me

So often I focus on what infertility has robbed me of--a normal se.x life with my husband, the ability to build our family on our own, being able to not worry about spending our kids' college tuition on bringing them into the world, and not having to go to the doctors office every month for months on end. Going through IF is tough. It's tough on every part of my life and I think while you're in the middle of it, it's so easy to only focus on the negatives. But now that I'm (somewhat) on the other side of it, I can see all that IF did give me. All the good I have because of it.

One amazing thing that going through IF has given me is an incredible support group and the opportunity to "meet" so many great women/families. I am constantly impressed by the people out there in the blogging world who have gone through IF. Impressed by how they have managed to press on even through difficult situations. How they continue to pursue their dream of building a family even when it seems impossible. And, to be honest, I'm impressed by how much I can relate to these women. It has shown me that disease, specifically the disease of infertility, does not discriminate. IF doesn't care how much you make, how happily married you are, or what kind of education you have... It affects women/families of all kinds. I have been in awe of just how much I have in common with those struggling with IF. And I'm thankful for that.

Another thing that infertility has given me is increased compassion. Prior to going through all of this, I thought I was compassionate. I had plans to go into human services and felt that I was particularly well suited for that because of how well I care about and for people. But, deep down, I was harboring a lot of assumptions/prejudices/stereotypes. I had known women who struggled with infertility, but I still wondered why they were going through that struggle. It's awful to think about now, but it's the truth. But, now? Because I've struggled? I find myself bawling over just about anything heart wrenching. It doesn't matter if it has to do with parenthood, infertility, or anything children related... My heart has opened up in so many wonderful ways and I am so thankful that I am now more perceptive to truly caring for and about other people's struggles.

Finally, the most magical thing that infertility has given me is a deep appreciation for my child. Now, I have loads of friends who got pregnant the first time their husband looked at them and those friends treasure and take magnificent care of their children. That being said, as sad as it is, I believe that my friends are in the minority among parents. What infertility has given ME is perspective on just how lucky I am to have this little person in my life. Last Sunday, MBL and I took Piper to a pumpkin patch/petting zoo/farm and while we were walking around looking at the animals I literally almost burst into tears. My heart was so overcome with just how lucky I feel to be Piper's mom. I could not believe that after all we went through, after all the heartache and struggle, there I was with MY child having a family day. Piper was just walking around looking at everything and I just wanted to pinch myself. How did I get so lucky? I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I know that had I gotten pregnant on the first try at the age of 23, my perspective would have been totally different. Sure, I'd probably still want to take my child out for fun adventures and I'd probably still treasure her, but I know it wouldn't be nearly as overwhelming as it is because I went through infertility. It just couldn't be. For ME, if I had been easily given a child, I wouldn't be pinching myself at the gift of having a child to take the pumpkin patch. I literally come home every day from work and cannot wait to spend my precious evening hours with my girl. She lights up my life and I tell her every day that I would have spent a million dollars to bring her into the world and I'm not exaggerating one bit (although how I would have gotten that kind of money is not clear).

Bottom line, for all that IF has robbed me of, for all that I have "lost" because of it, I am still downright grateful for all that I have because of it. And I am especially grateful that because of it, I will never take the time I have with my child(ren) for granted.

How about you? Do you find it hard to find anything positive from your infertility journey? Do you feel that you have a different view of parenthood because of what you went through?