I meant to up my blogging game, but failed miserably at that. I have good reason. This week I will have put in 40 hours at my job. Considering the fact that I normally put in 20, this was a significant change in our daily routine. I work 10 hour shifts, which meant that I was away most of the hours during which Piper was awake. All three of the days that I worked this week, we had an event in the evening. One night I had dinner with a friend, another night we went out with a bunch of MBL's work colleagues, and the third night MBL went out with his boss' boss. That last night, Piper and I were home alone in the evening and it was so special to just spend time with her. I fed her dinner, gave her a bath, and put her to bed by myself and I just loved all the snuggling and playing we did! I used to find being alone in the evenings stressful, but now we're in a groove where I find it enjoyable. Plus, I had such little time with her the rest of the week that I needed every second I could get with her!
Speaking of loving baby snuggles, have I mentioned that I want another one? Now? Oh, I have? Well, it's still very much the case. We are on our first month TTC and I'm already over it. On Wednesday we have an appointment with our RE in Chic.ago and I'm hoping to get a good picture of what our fertility really is and what our chances for conceiving naturally are. MBL really wants to make a baby the old fashioned way, but I'm not holding my breath. There really isn't any reason we shouldn't be able to, but considering all it took to get Piper, I'm trying to hold off from believing that pregnancy "cured" our infertility.
To show that we are serious about this TTC #2 thing, MBL is scheduled for surgery (again) on the 30th. He had a varicocelectomy in March 2010 and we did notice higher spe.rm counts post surgery, but his most recent S/A showed poor morphology (19%). We went back to the urologist (actually we went to a new urologist in the same practice as our other one) in February and he ordered an ultrasound which showed that the surgery wasn't as successful as it could have been. We finally made another appointment with him about the findings in February at the beginning of this month (december) and he said he could go back in and get us better quality. That's exactly what we want!! So, MBL is going under the knife again on the 30th and my plan is to get preggo in March. It doesn't work that way? Well, crap!! Actually, I am thinking we will go back to IUIs in March. We will have only been TTC naturally for four months, but I'm crazy and want another baby bump ASAP. Seriously, I loved being pregnant and I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom, so I really cannot wait to do it again.
Now... The only negative is that I am registered to run a 25k with my sister in May. I really want to run the race with her and there is no reason for me to think that I will actually be pregnant by the time May rolls around... But, part of me is still hoping that I will have to drop down to the 5k or 10k because I am pregnant. I am NOT, however, going to let our TTC efforts keep me from training for the race. I let that happen for far too many years and I don't think it helped keep my mood and my spirits up. I am going to keep running and working out and I will stop if/when I need to. And, boy oh boy, do I hope I need to (soon)!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Back at it!
I'm finally getting back into my groove and getting on here to post! I can't believe that it's been three weeks since I last posted. I traveled way more than I had originally intended over Thanksgiving, so that left me with very little time to get on here and read updates or even update myself. But, I'm back now and I'm going to try and be better about posting on a regular basis.
One of the most exciting (??) updates is that I'm finally cycling again!! The return of AF is only welcome because it means we are officially back on the TTC wagon! Oh how I loathe that wagon... But, maybe, just maybe, it will be easier this time around? Or, at least, cheaper? I haven't had a real heart to heart with MBL yet, but I set up an appointment with our fertility doc for December 21st. No, we're jumping into treatments right away, but I want to check in with him and hear his thoughts on our IVF cycle. You see, we went to an out of town clinic to do the IVF cycle that actually got us pregnant and we really liked to doctor... So, as long as we are going to be back in his neck of the woods for Christmas, I want to have a face to face chat with him. We know that I can get pregnant (via IVF), but I want to hear his thoughts on us getting pregnant naturally. During that cycle I had all sorts of testing done (because we were doing shared risk) and one of the tests done was AMH and my results came back at 0.9. Normal is between 1.0 and 3.0. Anything above 3.0 could suggest PCOS and anything below 1.0 could suggest low ovarian reserve. AMH does not measure egg quality. When that result came back I was shocked. How could I, at 24, have a slightly below normal reading? When I voiced my concerns to the nurse, she explained that it's a newer test and they take the results with a grain of salt. They use my other tests to get a better picture of my fertility. Well, I have a great antral count (28-30), low FSH (around 6.5), and a nice looking ute. Plus, I have been able to get pregnant (with the help of $25,000 and a medical professional). BUT, I worry that maybe I do have a fertility problem. All along we thought it was MBL who was functioning subpar, but what if I contribute to that equation? Both of my egg retrievals resulted in more drugs and less eggs than expected. Our last cycle resulted in only 4 mature eggs/embryos. Is that a symptom of reduced fertility on my end? Especially when you consider our other cycle resulted in only 3 embryos? I have been so scared to voice these concerns because I don't want it to be me. Low egg quality is not something that is easy to fix. BUT, I want to know what the doctor thinks because if it is low egg quality, then MBL and I need to be serious about cramming these babies in! MBL wants to putter around with naturally TTC for a while before we seek treatment again (which I can totally understand--wouldn't it be exciting to get pregnant from s.e.x.?), but I don't want to waste precious time if my eggs are headed down the crapper. I feel so blinkin' lucky to have Piper, I really do, but I want her to have a sibling or two! My goal is to be done having babies by the time I'm thirty (in approximately 4 years) and to have three children. So, I need/want to fit in two more pregnancies.
So... In about two weeks MBL and I will be even more officially back on the TTC wagon as we enter into our first two week wait post Piper. My test date should be right around our 3rd anniversary and, I have to admit, I am praying with every fiber of my being for a miracle BFP!
One of the most exciting (??) updates is that I'm finally cycling again!! The return of AF is only welcome because it means we are officially back on the TTC wagon! Oh how I loathe that wagon... But, maybe, just maybe, it will be easier this time around? Or, at least, cheaper? I haven't had a real heart to heart with MBL yet, but I set up an appointment with our fertility doc for December 21st. No, we're jumping into treatments right away, but I want to check in with him and hear his thoughts on our IVF cycle. You see, we went to an out of town clinic to do the IVF cycle that actually got us pregnant and we really liked to doctor... So, as long as we are going to be back in his neck of the woods for Christmas, I want to have a face to face chat with him. We know that I can get pregnant (via IVF), but I want to hear his thoughts on us getting pregnant naturally. During that cycle I had all sorts of testing done (because we were doing shared risk) and one of the tests done was AMH and my results came back at 0.9. Normal is between 1.0 and 3.0. Anything above 3.0 could suggest PCOS and anything below 1.0 could suggest low ovarian reserve. AMH does not measure egg quality. When that result came back I was shocked. How could I, at 24, have a slightly below normal reading? When I voiced my concerns to the nurse, she explained that it's a newer test and they take the results with a grain of salt. They use my other tests to get a better picture of my fertility. Well, I have a great antral count (28-30), low FSH (around 6.5), and a nice looking ute. Plus, I have been able to get pregnant (with the help of $25,000 and a medical professional). BUT, I worry that maybe I do have a fertility problem. All along we thought it was MBL who was functioning subpar, but what if I contribute to that equation? Both of my egg retrievals resulted in more drugs and less eggs than expected. Our last cycle resulted in only 4 mature eggs/embryos. Is that a symptom of reduced fertility on my end? Especially when you consider our other cycle resulted in only 3 embryos? I have been so scared to voice these concerns because I don't want it to be me. Low egg quality is not something that is easy to fix. BUT, I want to know what the doctor thinks because if it is low egg quality, then MBL and I need to be serious about cramming these babies in! MBL wants to putter around with naturally TTC for a while before we seek treatment again (which I can totally understand--wouldn't it be exciting to get pregnant from s.e.x.?), but I don't want to waste precious time if my eggs are headed down the crapper. I feel so blinkin' lucky to have Piper, I really do, but I want her to have a sibling or two! My goal is to be done having babies by the time I'm thirty (in approximately 4 years) and to have three children. So, I need/want to fit in two more pregnancies.
So... In about two weeks MBL and I will be even more officially back on the TTC wagon as we enter into our first two week wait post Piper. My test date should be right around our 3rd anniversary and, I have to admit, I am praying with every fiber of my being for a miracle BFP!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
the ache never does go away...
Last night as I was doing my best to fall asleep, I couldn't help but think about our infertility journey. We are at the point where we are facing TTC again and I am completely scared out of my mind. A part of me liked the fact that AF has been absent while I've been pumping for Piper because it meant that I didn't have to think about timing things, temperature taking, and peeing on sticks. The 21 months leading up to our BFP were so unbelievably painful. And, unfortunately, a BFP and a healthy baby haven't "cured" me from being an infertile. No, I have no idea how long it will take to conceive #2, but I'm gearing up for the long haul. Even though I am prepared for a lengthy journey, I am not immune to the jealousy and heartache that comes along with struggling to conceive. I swear, up until two weeks ago, I felt nothing but bliss about my new life and pregnancy announcements didn't bother me. Now? I'm back to longing for a bump of my own. One of my closest friends just told me that in light of a recent health scare she and her husband may begin TTC in the next few months. This means we would be TTC at the same time. My last friend to announce this to me showed up at our next get together (3 months later) and announced she was 13 weeks pregnant. Which means she got pregnant on the first shot. I wasn't really upset about it then, I had a newborn and my mind was not thinking about TTC. But now? I'm sad. And scared. It seems silly to say that I'm scared, but what I really mean is that I am SO not looking forward to all the emotions that come along with BFN after BFN. I'm scared about the amount of time it will take. I'm scared of the jealousy I will feel towards my friend should #2 take as long to conceive as #1. I'm scared of the decisions MBL and I will have to face if it comes down to needing to see the RE again. I'm scared of going back on fertility meds. Most of all, I'm scared that I'll never have what I so desperately want: my family of five.
Infertility is particularly frustrating because having children seems like such a simple task to the majority of the population. You time things right a few months (or WOOPS! you forget to use birth control) and nine months later you are holding a precious baby. For those of us in the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community, things aren't that easy and the difficulty and pain we experience during the process of building our families is often misunderstood or brushed off by those who haven't experienced it themselves. Which makes it even worse.
I have blogged about this before (many times), but MBL and I are pretty open with what it took to get pregnant and just how Piper was created. We feel good sharing our story because, in doing so, we hope that we are able to help others understand infertility a little better. We are trying to put a face with a disease that so many people view as just an inconvenience. Doing this has both positive and negative consequences for us. The positives are obvious: we are increasing awareness about IF and the treatments for it. We are trying to debunk myths about infertility and, I think, we have been fairly successful at this. The negatives are a little harder to understand, but now that I am a mom who longs for another, it's hard because everyone knows about it. They know we are going to try again right away. The know we had a hard time the last time. And, the tough part, is that I want them to ask me how it's going. I want them to care that it took a lot to get Piper and that our journey to #2 and #3 might not be easy. I want their sympathy and their listening ears, but, at the same time, I feel embarassed that we struggle with infertility. I want to conceive easily like my cousins. I want to be able to live a life without REs or fertility drugs or fear of losing my pregnancy. In short, I want to be a fertile. I want to be "normal". Really, I want to not be obesessing about how much time it may or may not take to get pregnant again!
I guess all of this proves that the saying is true, "Once an infertile, always an infertile." At least I have a community who understands!
Infertility is particularly frustrating because having children seems like such a simple task to the majority of the population. You time things right a few months (or WOOPS! you forget to use birth control) and nine months later you are holding a precious baby. For those of us in the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community, things aren't that easy and the difficulty and pain we experience during the process of building our families is often misunderstood or brushed off by those who haven't experienced it themselves. Which makes it even worse.
I have blogged about this before (many times), but MBL and I are pretty open with what it took to get pregnant and just how Piper was created. We feel good sharing our story because, in doing so, we hope that we are able to help others understand infertility a little better. We are trying to put a face with a disease that so many people view as just an inconvenience. Doing this has both positive and negative consequences for us. The positives are obvious: we are increasing awareness about IF and the treatments for it. We are trying to debunk myths about infertility and, I think, we have been fairly successful at this. The negatives are a little harder to understand, but now that I am a mom who longs for another, it's hard because everyone knows about it. They know we are going to try again right away. The know we had a hard time the last time. And, the tough part, is that I want them to ask me how it's going. I want them to care that it took a lot to get Piper and that our journey to #2 and #3 might not be easy. I want their sympathy and their listening ears, but, at the same time, I feel embarassed that we struggle with infertility. I want to conceive easily like my cousins. I want to be able to live a life without REs or fertility drugs or fear of losing my pregnancy. In short, I want to be a fertile. I want to be "normal". Really, I want to not be obesessing about how much time it may or may not take to get pregnant again!
I guess all of this proves that the saying is true, "Once an infertile, always an infertile." At least I have a community who understands!
Monday, October 31, 2011
embracing my story
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my story and how I got to where I am today. I've been through a lot these past three years. First it was everything we went through to get pregnant, then it was being scared out of my mind for 9 months straight, then it was troubles nursing, then it was low supply, followed by post partum anxiety... And, now, we're facing TTC #2 and as much as I want to be hopeful, I'm planning on it taking a bunch of work to get pregnant (again). As much as all of those things sucked and, if I had it my way, I would rather that things came easily, but they didn't. What I can do, though, is learn from all of it. Embrace who it has made me.
When I think back to when MBL and I started TTC, I can remember just how certain I felt that we would return from our honeymoon and I would get a positive test. As a matter of fact, I had a box of tests waiting for me. Little did I know that the next 20 months would involve a whole heck of a lot of negative pee sticks. I don't know how I would have felt if I had gotten a positive that first month. But, I can tell you that a positive after all that time, was incredible. And being a mom after dreaming about the experience for nearly 2.5 years, is better than I imagined it would be. If I had become a mom at 23 after only trying for one month, I'm sure I would have enjoyed it, but would I have loved it as much as I do? Piper has spit up on me, pooped on me, drooled all over me, and my response is always the same, "I went through a lot to get to this place." I don't take the little things for granted and I think a lot of it is because of all I went through to get here. And, even though IF is an ugly witch, I am grateful that it taught me to be thankful for the little things that come along with being a parent.
One thing that IF taught me, is to be open with my story. And experiencing PP anxiety and supply issues only increased my openness. Now that I am involved in mom's groups, I get a lot of questions about BFing, being a mom, and having more children. Instead of pretending like I have it all together, I make it known that I have struggled. The things I have gone through are all kind of embarassing. No one wants to struggle to conceive, be unable to provide enough food for their baby, and feel like they can't handle parenthood... BUT, I know I'm not alone in my struggles and by talking to people about what I have gone through, I open the door for them to share their struggles. Plus, all of those struggles have relieved me from the pretense that I am perfect or that I have it all together :). And I like it that way. It's not what I would have originally chosen for myself, but I'm choosing to embrace my story. It's shaped me into who I am and I'm pretty happy with that.
So, do you think now that I've learned all of that I can get pregnant with #2 on the first try? Please?
When I think back to when MBL and I started TTC, I can remember just how certain I felt that we would return from our honeymoon and I would get a positive test. As a matter of fact, I had a box of tests waiting for me. Little did I know that the next 20 months would involve a whole heck of a lot of negative pee sticks. I don't know how I would have felt if I had gotten a positive that first month. But, I can tell you that a positive after all that time, was incredible. And being a mom after dreaming about the experience for nearly 2.5 years, is better than I imagined it would be. If I had become a mom at 23 after only trying for one month, I'm sure I would have enjoyed it, but would I have loved it as much as I do? Piper has spit up on me, pooped on me, drooled all over me, and my response is always the same, "I went through a lot to get to this place." I don't take the little things for granted and I think a lot of it is because of all I went through to get here. And, even though IF is an ugly witch, I am grateful that it taught me to be thankful for the little things that come along with being a parent.
One thing that IF taught me, is to be open with my story. And experiencing PP anxiety and supply issues only increased my openness. Now that I am involved in mom's groups, I get a lot of questions about BFing, being a mom, and having more children. Instead of pretending like I have it all together, I make it known that I have struggled. The things I have gone through are all kind of embarassing. No one wants to struggle to conceive, be unable to provide enough food for their baby, and feel like they can't handle parenthood... BUT, I know I'm not alone in my struggles and by talking to people about what I have gone through, I open the door for them to share their struggles. Plus, all of those struggles have relieved me from the pretense that I am perfect or that I have it all together :). And I like it that way. It's not what I would have originally chosen for myself, but I'm choosing to embrace my story. It's shaped me into who I am and I'm pretty happy with that.
So, do you think now that I've learned all of that I can get pregnant with #2 on the first try? Please?
Friday, October 21, 2011
a new journey...
Hello to all here from ICLW :). Most of my story is on the left side of my blog, but in a nutshell, we went through a year of fertility treatments before we got our BFP on IVF #2 last September. Our beautiful baby girl was born on May 25th and we are loving each and every day with her!
Now what is this new journey my blog title is hinting at? The journey of ttc #2. Obviously, we are well aware of what TTC entails. It took us 21 months to get our sticky BFP, but I feel like I will be approaching it with a new mindset. As an infertile who has experienced pregnancy, part of me is hoping that my body is now "fixed" and that MBL and I will be able to get pregnant with just a roll in the hay. A huge part of me is terrified about what will happen if we are unable to get pregnant that way. I am SOOOO not looking forward to having to do more infertility treatments/medications. I would LOVE to skip that!
In order to get the TTC #2 train rolling, however, I need to stop pumping. I was all ready to quit about 4 months ago and, somehow, I'm still going strong. BUT, I am apparently sensitive to prolactin and AF isn't going to come without weaning Piper. I was spotting a bit yesterday and I was beyond excited...it's so weird to actually want AF to arrive! I'm hoping that November will bring me my first PPAF (post partum aunt flow) and that we will be able to officially start TTC. In my head I've decided that if we aren't pregnant by Piper's first birthday, we will begin treatments again, but I know myself too well and I may want to start sooner than that (if necessary and if I can convince MBL :). Temping, charting, and OPKs will soon be a big part of my life again. And, I imagine, so will BFNs. I just hope there is another BFP in my future. Now that I know what a joy it is to be a parent, I can't wait to do it again...
Now what is this new journey my blog title is hinting at? The journey of ttc #2. Obviously, we are well aware of what TTC entails. It took us 21 months to get our sticky BFP, but I feel like I will be approaching it with a new mindset. As an infertile who has experienced pregnancy, part of me is hoping that my body is now "fixed" and that MBL and I will be able to get pregnant with just a roll in the hay. A huge part of me is terrified about what will happen if we are unable to get pregnant that way. I am SOOOO not looking forward to having to do more infertility treatments/medications. I would LOVE to skip that!
In order to get the TTC #2 train rolling, however, I need to stop pumping. I was all ready to quit about 4 months ago and, somehow, I'm still going strong. BUT, I am apparently sensitive to prolactin and AF isn't going to come without weaning Piper. I was spotting a bit yesterday and I was beyond excited...it's so weird to actually want AF to arrive! I'm hoping that November will bring me my first PPAF (post partum aunt flow) and that we will be able to officially start TTC. In my head I've decided that if we aren't pregnant by Piper's first birthday, we will begin treatments again, but I know myself too well and I may want to start sooner than that (if necessary and if I can convince MBL :). Temping, charting, and OPKs will soon be a big part of my life again. And, I imagine, so will BFNs. I just hope there is another BFP in my future. Now that I know what a joy it is to be a parent, I can't wait to do it again...
Saturday, October 15, 2011
old familiar places...
Monday was a good day. First, I went to my moms' group and we put together an apple pie. I didn't actually bake it as I can't be trusted to be home alone with an entire pie. I froze it to use for my small group dinner next week. After a somewhat cranky day at home with Piper, I dropped her off with MBL at work and headed to my favorite running path. It was around 80ish degrees here on Monday and I wanted to take full advantage! As I was running around the path, I couldn't help but reflect on how my life has evolved over my 7 years as a runner. And that running path? I've been going there that entire time... Although, I did have to take a two year hiatus during our IF treatments. When I started running that path I was 19 years old, single, and going to college... 7 years later I am married, happy, and a mom! That path has seen my deepest frustrations and hurts and, on Monday, it got to see the best of me. The happiest and most fulfilled I have felt in years. My birthday is next week and I can honestly say that I am exactly where I want to be. I am sure, in the future, I will run that path again and I am so hoping that as time goes on I am able to be as sure of myself as I was on Monday. Happy and content and exactly where I want to be.
Another familiar place I will be visiting again? This lovely city:
And this time? We are attempting it with a 5 month old!! Yep, that's right, we're bringing the baby. MBL is pretty excited about showing her one of our favorite cities. And I'm pretty excited to go there again! The last time we went was in November of 2009 and we were just about to start our first IVF cycle. We were full of hope and certain that by January we would have our much desired positive pee stick. One sore point of the trip was that we had applied to get financial help with our IVF meds as we were paying out of pocket and I was about to leave on a day of sightseeing when I got the call that we were denied coverage. I remember holding back tears at each museum I visited. I was crushed and so certain that it meant doom for our journey to baby. But, that is just about the only IF related sore that I remember from that trip. Mostly I remember having a great time hopping from museum to museum and going out in the evenings with MBL. I LOVED the city and I'm both excited and anxious to try and navigate it with a baby in tow. I'm sure there are other people in NYC with infants who get around just fine :). I am so thankful that on this trip I won't be holding back tears or worrying about shots. SO. THANKFUL.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A decision?
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here and update on our "are we moving?" situation. Basically, since my initial post, there has been a lot of back and forth communcation between MBL and I. Yes, it's odd to say that I am "communicating" with my spouse, but we have been crazy busy here and we've nearly had to schedule time to chat!
To make a long story short, we decided to tell International that we are interested in having MBL take a temporary position with them. The way it would work is that MBL and I would go over to The Netherlands for 3-6 months so that MBL could get to know the office over there and establish himself as a knowledgeable and dependable part of the team. We would then come back here and MBL would continue to work for International for the following year and a half. At that point, he would go back to his current position at the US side of the company. We realized that we cannot move to Chic.ago or The Nether.lands full time right now because our house is not in sellable condition. We would have to put quite a bit of money into to get it on the market, and it is highly unlikely that we would see a return on that money... So, we are keeping our home base here :).
Nothing is official yet, as MBL has to send International the "number" he is thinking as far as salary. And I have more exciting details to share, but I will have to come back here to do that, as I am wiped out from a week of single mom-ing it and my bed is calling out to me!
To make a long story short, we decided to tell International that we are interested in having MBL take a temporary position with them. The way it would work is that MBL and I would go over to The Netherlands for 3-6 months so that MBL could get to know the office over there and establish himself as a knowledgeable and dependable part of the team. We would then come back here and MBL would continue to work for International for the following year and a half. At that point, he would go back to his current position at the US side of the company. We realized that we cannot move to Chic.ago or The Nether.lands full time right now because our house is not in sellable condition. We would have to put quite a bit of money into to get it on the market, and it is highly unlikely that we would see a return on that money... So, we are keeping our home base here :).
Nothing is official yet, as MBL has to send International the "number" he is thinking as far as salary. And I have more exciting details to share, but I will have to come back here to do that, as I am wiped out from a week of single mom-ing it and my bed is calling out to me!
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